I don't even know, you guys.

[caiusbackup]

Blame swordage (and spacehussy) for this. Last night, there was the following twitter exchange:

swordage: story summary seems interesting > story skips the part where the Dcon falls for humanity > Megatron is the OC's mom > [SCREMING]
caiusmajor: @swordage ...was it at least about the OC's terrible horrible mommy issues?
swordage: @caiusmajor No. That would have been awesome. "Mommy I'm scared to sleep, there are monsters." "Show me. I will devour them." "weh ;w;"
spacehussy @swordage @caiusmajor okay, that would be the best original short story ever. Not even kidding. "SHOW ME. I WILL DEVOUR THEM."
caiusmajor: @spacehussy @swordage Oh maaaan it would be an awesome children's picture book.

And my brain produced this. Since I'm not an artist, the lavish full-page illustrations for every line are left to the reader's imagination.

My Mommy
a picture book
by Caius

My Mommy's name is Megatron.

She's the most powerful mommy in the galaxy.

She goes out every day to conquer the universe...

...but she always comes back with dinner and a bedtime story.

My Mommy loves me very much.


My Daddy lives on Cybertron. He has a very important job to do.

Mommy tells me that if anyone claims to be my Daddy, I shouldn't let him in.

Not even if he says he'll give me candy, or let me a ride in his cockpit...

...or cab.

And no matter how cool he is, I do not have an Uncle Jazz, either.


I do have an Uncle Soundwave.

He's not really my uncle either but he comes and plays me stories when Mommy can't.

And he brings his cassettes, who are grown-up robots just like Mommy,

But they like to play. And if they play too rough,

Mommy makes it all better.


I have a very big bed.

Big enough for Mommy to sit on when she tells me stories

about defeating the Autobots and conquering the universe.

Sometimes there are monsters under it.

"Mommy, I'm scared to sleep. There are monsters!"

"Show me. I will destroy them."

Mommy has a big monster-destroying cannon, and she destroys them all.

Even the ones that pretend to be my friends.


The little yellow one keeps coming back.

But Mommy always comes back too--

eventually.

My Mommy is the most powerful Mommy in the galaxy,

and she loves me very much.

Comments

[dellessa.livejournal.com]

@_@
"And no matter how cool he is, I do not have an Uncle Jazz, either." <--This...made me giggle so much.

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

:D! I'm glad. Obviously Jazz comes to the door and tries to dazzle the kid with his new-fangled MUSIC and DANCING.

[dellessa.livejournal.com]

Obviously. XD

[draginfli.livejournal.com]

How much would you mind if I made pictures for this?

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

I would not mind at ALL, in fact I would extremely flattered! (It is possible I posted this largely in the hope that someone would draw for it!)

As long as you're okay with perhaps not being the only one to draw things. primusatemyleg said he'd do something, macboris might as well, and I'm not interested in negotiating exclusive rights with anyone.

[draginfli.livejournal.com]

Hahah, I don't care - I just Really want to have an excuse to draw crayon scribbles of Megatron-mommy. XD

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

"Mommy, I'm scared to sleep. There are monsters!"

"Show me. I will destroy them."

Glorious! Kinds books should be more like this :D

That was hilarious, thanks for the laugh!

[fly-buggy-fly.livejournal.com]

Honey approves of this...And would ask Terrorsaur to read it to him over and over and over and over again XD

[niyazi-a.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful! :D

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Credit swordage for those lines! That bit was when I knew it had to be written.

Kids book have a certain delightful surreality sometimes, obviously there are licensing issues with Megatron but I wouldn't be shocked to come into a bookstore and find a book called, say, "My Mommy is a Dinosaur." :D

And you are very welcome.

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

D'awww. Terrorsaur would probably want to know why there are no kids' books where the parents are SEEKERS? :D

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

That is completely awesome, then! Drop me a link. :D

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

OMG, the Technobots need that!

'My mommy Fellow Autobot is a dinosaur KING!'

[fly-buggy-fly.livejournal.com]

Of course he would, the big snob.

[eerian_sadow]

best children's story ever. it needs illustrations and an independent publisher. ~_^

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Oh my GOD yes. That could so easily have been an ACTUAL TF kids book, back in the day (if the G1 Transformers franchise had been better-organized).

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

And alas, also a license from Hasbro. :C

I agree that it would be a great actual kids book though.

[ultharkitty.livejournal.com]

Talking of actual 1980s TF books, my boyfriend found one in his parents' storage and gave it to me for Christmas. It has Megatron in his toy-accurage trigger-crotch mode, and is part horrifying and part hilarious.

[jill-dragon.livejournal.com]

THIS. So much win!

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

If Megatron is the OC's mom, who the slag knocked him up? Ow, my brain.

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Yay! *WINS*

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

In the fic swordage read, I have no idea. :D

In this fic, the OC is adopted, or constructed, or maybe delivered by the cyber-stork--I can assure you that there was no Megatron pregnancy involved.

[ink-in-hand.livejournal.com]

Well, if I run out of ideas this month I know where to come. The story is supplying all sorts of crayon doodles that go with the lines, complete with EvilMonster!Bumblebee sporting sparkling eating gnasher teeth under the OC's bed.

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Yay! Please do! Drop me a link here if you do doodle (and post) anything, I don't want to miss it.

[eerian_sadow]

yeah, that too. stupid licensing.

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

Okay. It sounded like maybe you were saying Shockwave, and while that's evilly adorable I can't quite imagine Megatron carrying Shockbabies. ;-)

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Shockwave is the Daddy, or at least the one Megatron says is the Daddy, but there was no pregnancy involved. :D

(This little bit of insanity doesn't have much actual backstory, but I don't like to think about pregnant robots period, so I say Megatron wasn't.)

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

Heh. That was the big thing that got me about your post... the whole idea of Megatron being a MOMMY rather than a daddy. :-/ Hah!

[femme4jack.livejournal.com]

OH YES! Megatron would be the BEST MOM!

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

The most powerful, anyway! :D

[spacehussy.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN'T UNSEE THIS /DYING ♥♥♥♥

[xianghua.livejournal.com]

Duh. VECTOR STORKMA, remember? That's where all little mecha come from!

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Oh MAN and you have just the right icon for it too! *HEARTS*

[darknessdivine.livejournal.com]

At least with Megamommy you don't have to worry about future suitors.

[artemis10002000]

*squee* That's brilliant! I giggled like crazy throughout this fic.

[birdiebot.livejournal.com]

This was hilarious! If I could draw, I would make art for this!