Meme that took over my flist today!

[caiusbackup]

Because why not!

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice (especially if provided by Ollie).

Comments

[harmonyangel.livejournal.com]

Dear Captain America,

How do you fulfill the hopes of a nation and embody the spirit of the American Dream when you're just one man trying to do the best he can? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Barack Obama

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr. President,

I just take it one day at a time and always do what I think is right. It's all one man *can* do.

If you figure out a better way, please let me know.

Also, although I realize you have a lot on your plate and inherited a very difficult situation from your predecessor, I would suggest reconsidering Norman Osborne's position as head of HAMMER. In my experience, he is not at all trustworthy.

Sincerely,
Steve Rogers

[harmonyangel.livejournal.com]

Dear Captain Rogers,

Thank you for your wisdom. I'll endeavor to follow your example. And I'll look into the Norman Osborn business. I confess I've just been happy he hasn't asked me for a bailout.

Best,

Barack Obama

[second-batgirl.livejournal.com]

Amanda,

I ran an organization for years, and now it turns out that it was infiltrated by villainous organizations. Any suggestions on how to regain control?

Nick Fury

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Nick,

You've gotten yourself into a real fix, haven't you? The best way is to keep an eye on your organization so that it doesn't happen in the first place, but clearly you failed there. (It happens.)

Form a secure power base within or if necessary outside of the organization that you know you can control. Make sure *you're* the one with the key to their explosive armbands, for example. Make sure they're people who won't hesitate to do what needs to be done, but not too crazy or powerful to be controlled--that's where your government's THUNDERBOLTS went wrong. I was glad to hear you didn't have anything to do with that one, I expect better of you.

Once you have your power base, you'll be in a position to either remove or negotiate with these villainous organizations. Remember, when properly controlled, villains can be among your most useful allies.

Amanda Waller

[slb44.livejournal.com]

Dear Ollie,

I'm a former Russian spy who now works for the good guys (however we choose to define them today) and they've cast a blonde bimbo to play me in a movie, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Natasha

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Natasha,

Isn't it terrible the way the Hollywood fat cats only pay attention to their wallets? Always casting people 'cause they're hot rather than 'cause they're talented or at all right for the role. Although at least they could dye her hair, right? It just wouldn't be you at all otherwise.

(Although she is really hot. I would totally be asking for her number if I were still a rich playboy and not a married man.)

Do you have money? You could sue to get back the rights to your likeness, or just make the studio an offer to buy the movie and cast who you'd like. Alternately, you could write angry letters and articles, maybe put up a website. I had a newspaper collumn once and it was a lot of fun even though it never seemed to help.

Or you could show up at their mansions and studios and use your dangerous spy skills to convince them that, really, they need someone else for the part. If all else fails, there's always calling in your powerful friends, but be careful with that. It's awkward when your best friend rewrites reality to get you a better actor.

Best of luck!

Ollie

[slb44.livejournal.com]

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie,

Everyone told me you were a horn dog. I thought you'd at best suggest a threesome!

Everyone also told me to take advice you gave me with a huge grain of salt. Apparently they were wrong about that as well.

I shall contemplate your advice and act accordingly.

Keep your eyes on the news!

Sincerely,

Natasha (they don't call me the Black Widow for nothing)

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Natasha,

I'm sorry! I'm a married man these days and if I suggested any such thing my wife would kill me. For real this time. I'm sure as the Black Widow you understand.

But if Dinah's ever up for a threesome (or a foursome) I will keep you in mind!

I look forward to news of your victory against those Hollywood fat cats!

Love Sincerely,
Ollie

[adn-heming.livejournal.com]

Dear Steve,

Paint, charcoal, or acrylic?

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Adn_Heming,

What sort of project are you planning? All three are useful in different ways.

[second-batgirl.livejournal.com]

Dear Sam Wilson,

I have a friend. Well, I guess you could call him that. He's incredibly dumb, but well meaning. Any advice on how to deal with him?

Jefferson Pierce

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Jefferson Pierce,

This wouldn't happen to be the friend who just asked me to join his team, would it? What's his deal, anyway?

Anyway, it depends on how much this friend is worth to you, and how much he's capable of learning. I find sometimes if I keep at it, they do learn, but it requires a lot of patience.

Sam

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

Dear Namor,

I'm in love with someone who might best be described as, well, difficult to get along with, so I don't know how to tell him without him making me feel like an idiot. We're also both in the service, which makes things even more difficult due to heightened discretion. Any advice?

J.H.

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Firebug,

TELL HIM. Discretion is for surfacer wimps.

Also, what do you MEAN, difficult to get along with?

Prince Namor of Atlantis

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

Dear Namor,

Firebug who? This is, um, J. Edgar Hoover.

Signed, Not Jim Hammond

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Surface-dwelling Idiot,

Then don't tell him, and be miserable all your life.

No wonder the surface world is so fucked up. We're so going to conquer your asses as soon as the war is over.

Sincerely,

Prince Namor of Atlantis

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

Dear Namor,

So I guess the not-making-me-feel-like-an-idiot part was too much to ask?

Yours, Jim

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Hot Stuff--

If you don't want to feel like an idiot, you should try not acting like one. J. Edgar Hoover indeed!

Namor

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

Dear Namor,

Okay, good point.

...and Hot Stuff? Really?

Yours, the occupant of cabin 4-8, the door of which is unlocked

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Torchy,

Be there in five.

Namor

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr. Queen,

My brother keeps trying to get me to play the stock market. He says, "Everything is so cheap right now, what do you have to lose?"

But wouldn't I just be encouraging the fat cats who got our country in this mess? What do you think?

-Deuce

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Deuce (is that a superhero name?),

There are so many better things to do with your money than play with the stock market! Feed the poor! Support local political organizations that are trying to help! Run for office yourself, even (assuming you're not a fat cat, and I'm gathering you're not).

If you must play the stock market, be careful who's advice you take. I trusted *my* financial advisor and lost everything.

Although that wasn't so bad, actually, because that way I learned what it was like not to be rich. So maybe you *should* do that.

Anyway, maybe you should look into socially responsible investing. Some companies *are* better than others.

Best of luck and btw our youth center always needs help...

Ollie

[sanstexte.livejournal.com]

Dear Ollie,

I have a coworker, she's possibly a fatcat, and she's annoying. *REALLY* annoying and doesn't do anything. I can't kill her because I'm too nice, and I can't steal her credit cards and muck up her credit rating (its already bad enough)!

How do I deal with a rabid complainer who makes me mad like the Hulk.

Also, who should I vote for next election, the Green Party, The New Democrats, The Liberals, The Conservatives or the Communist Party?

Love,
Jenn

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Dear Jenn,

You should explain to your coworker the error of her ways, loudly and repeatedly! Eventually it will get through to her, and maybe she'll go on a road trip with you and you will be BFFs!

Or maybe it won't and you'll just spend all your time insulting each other, but that's kind of fun, too.

Canadian politics are awesome! So many more exciting choices than we have. Green Party! Or, whoever will get rid of that awful Stephen Harper guy.

Best of luck!
Ollie

[sanstexte.livejournal.com]

Uncle Namor,

I get to plan the next family vacation!

There isn't anything in Atlantis that likes to eat little girls, is there? And if there is, where's a good place where there aren't elder gods who want to eat me or my stupid brother?

Sincerely,
Val Richards

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Val,

Yes, there are some things down here who like to eat little girls, but don't worry, I'll rescue you. Your brother, too. They can eat your Dad instead.

Your Mom's coming, right? You should totally visit my palace and see all the wonders of my kingdom. Just give me a few weeks notice so I can rebuild and/or reconquer if necessary.

Most of the Elder Gods live in Lemuria, anyway.

Love,
Uncle Namor

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Mr. Queen!

I'm secretly in love with another superhero who I often work closely with, but it is obvious that she only thinks of me as a loyal friend. While she *has* shown romantic interest when she met me in my alternate identity, I haven't been able to tell her who I really am. I am afraid she will think I was using my knowledge of her life dishonorably or, even if she would like to ride off into the sunset with me, that her family will disapprove!

How should I win her over?

Bill Starr

[caiusmajor.livejournal.com]

Mr. Starr,

Well, if it were *me* I would just tell her and hope she loved me anyway. Because honesty is important in a relationship and I can't tell a lie to save my life anyway. But several of my friends didn't tell their girlfriends who they were until the wedding day, or even later, and it seems to have gone okay for them.

(Well, some of them, anyway.)

In terms of getting her to like you, I suggest being persistent. Keep at it and eventually she will see that you're the one for her!

Best of luck!
Ollie

PS: Do you talk in your sleep? I hear that's an excellent way to break the news!